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You know that feeling when it’s just easier to do it yourself? When asking for help feels like more work than the task itself? When you finally get a break, but end up redoing things anyway because no one else does them “right”? We call this maternal gatekeeping, and it’s one of the hidden ways the mental load keeps us running on empty.
The invisible work no one sees
Most mothers I work with don’t mean to control or micromanage. They’re exhausted. They’re the ones keeping track of appointments, school emails, lunches, birthdays, growth spurts, grocery lists, emotional needs- all of it.
That mental load is constant. It’s not about who “does more.” It’s about who keeps track of everything.
Maternal gatekeeping happens when you’ve been carrying that load so long that letting someone else step in feels impossible.
It can sound like:
“He’ll forget if I don’t remind him.”
“She’ll just mess it up.”
“It’s faster if I do it.”
You start doing everything- and resenting it.
Why it happens
It’s not because you don’t trust your partner or want control.It’s usually about safety, identity, and expectation.
Maybe you were raised to equate competence with worth.
Maybe you’ve been disappointed before when help wasn’t actually helpful.
Maybe you’re afraid to let go because if you stop holding it all together, everything might fall apart.
What starts to change things
Begin with honesty- with yourself and your partner.
Ask, what would it look like if I didn’t have to carry all of this?
That might mean asking for help earlier, even when it feels uncomfortable.
It might mean letting someone else do it their way, even if it’s not perfect.
It might mean therapy- not to fix you, but to help you unlearn the belief that your value comes from doing everything.
At Bloom Psychotherapy, we help women untangle these patterns and rebuild partnerships that feel more equal and supported. If you’re tired of doing it all, you don’t have to anymore.
You can book an appointment online or connect with our Client Coordinator today to find the right fit for you.
