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Becoming parents is a transformative experience, filled with moments of joy and wonder. But it also brings a multitude of challenges that can strain even the strongest relationships. One of the most common issues we see as therapists is the resentment that builds up when one partner feels overwhelmed by the invisible load of parenting and household responsibilities while the other seems blissfully unaware.
The Invisible Load
The invisible load refers to the mental and emotional labour that often falls disproportionately on one partner. It's the constant list-making, planning, and worrying about every little detail that keeps the household running smoothly. From scheduling doctor's appointments to remembering to buy diapers, this mental burden can be exhausting.
When one partner carries the bulk of this load while the other remains unaware, it can lead to feelings of frustration and resentment. You might find yourself wondering why your partner doesn't notice the piles of laundry or the empty fridge, and why you always have to be the one to remind them about school events, dentist appointments, where the mitts are, or to call their mother!
The Tipping Point
The tipping point often comes when you're already stretched thin. Maybe it's the fifth time you've had to remind your partner to pick up groceries, or the umpteenth evening you've spent cleaning up after a long day at work, while your partner scrolls mindlessly. It's these moments that can make you feel like you're shouldering the entire burden alone.
This imbalance can create a deep sense of isolation and resentment. You might start to feel like you're not just managing the household, but also managing your partner.
The Importance of Acknowledgement
One of the most crucial steps in addressing this resentment is acknowledgement. When your partner acknowledges the invisible load you carry, it validates your efforts and shows that they see and appreciate what you do. It's about recognizing the emotional and mental labour that often goes unnoticed.
Expressing your feelings honestly and vulnerably can open the door to this acknowledgement. Share with your partner how the imbalance affects you and the toll it takes on your well-being. Use "I" statements to communicate your feelings without placing blame, such as, "I feel overwhelmed and unappreciated when I have to manage everything on my own."
Sharing the Load
Finding a more equitable distribution of responsibilities is key to alleviating resentment. Sit down with your partner and discuss the tasks that need to be done. Make a list together and divide the responsibilities in a way that feels fair to both of you.
It's also important to revisit this conversation regularly. As life changes and new challenges arise, you may need to adjust your approach to ensure that both partners are contributing equally.
The Power of Empathy
Empathy plays a significant role in resolving resentment. When both partners can put themselves in each other's shoes, it fosters a deeper understanding and connection. Encourage your partner to consider the mental and emotional load you carry, and take the time to understand their perspective as well.
Building empathy requires open communication and a willingness to listen without judgment. It's about creating a safe space where both partners feel heard and valued.
Seeking Support
Sometimes, the imbalance of responsibilities can be too overwhelming to address on your own. Seeking support from a therapist can provide valuable insights and strategies for navigating these challenges. A therapist can help you and your partner develop better communication skills, set boundaries, and find ways to share the load more effectively. Book now
Finding Balance
Ultimately, the goal is to find a balance that works for both of you. Resentment can fester if left unchecked, but with open communication, empathy, and a willingness to share the load, you can create a more harmonious and supportive partnership.
Remember, parenting is a team effort. By working together and supporting each other, you can navigate the challenges of parenthood and build a stronger, more resilient relationship.
The invisible load is a reality for many parents, but it doesn't have to lead to resentment. With acknowledgement, communication, and a commitment to sharing responsibilities, you can create a more balanced and fulfilling partnership. Parenting is a journey best shared, and by working together, you can find the support and connection you both need.
We have created self-care program for mom's called "From Resentment to Resilience", designed to help you recognize postpartum resentment and work through the common feelings that come with it. Rediscover your resilience and take the time to invest back into yourself. Learn more here
