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If you’re a mom, chances are you’ve felt it—the constant, never-ending mental to-do list that runs in the background of your mind. The appointments to schedule, the groceries to buy, the birthday party RSVPs, the endless snack requests, the emotional labor of managing everyone’s moods and needs. It’s not just about what needs to get done—it’s about keeping track of it all. And that, my friend, is the mental load.
The mental load is often invisible, yet it’s one of the heaviest burdens mothers carry. It’s the reason you can feel completely exhausted at the end of the day, even if you didn’t physically do all that much. And the worst part? It’s rarely acknowledged.
What Is the Mental Load?
The term “mental load” was popularized by researcher and cartoonist Emma Clit in her viral comic You Should’ve Asked, which perfectly captures how moms often take on the role of household project manager. It’s not just about executing tasks—it’s about always being the one who notices, remembers, and plans for everything.
And that’s where it becomes overwhelming. It’s not just the physical work of doing the dishes or folding the laundry; it’s being the one who knows that the laundry needs to be done in the first place. It’s keeping a running mental inventory of what needs to happen, when, and how—usually without much delegation or shared responsibility.
Why Does This Happen?
For many women, the mental load starts early. We’re often conditioned to be caregivers, to anticipate needs, to smooth things over before they become a problem. In relationships, especially heterosexual partnerships, traditional gender roles still linger. Even in homes where both parents work, studies show that women tend to carry the bulk of household management, planning, and emotional labor.
There’s also the cultural expectation that “good moms” are the ones who juggle it all seamlessly. That if you drop a ball, if you forget something, it somehow reflects on your worth as a mother. So we keep carrying it, sometimes silently, often resentfully, until burnout hits hard.
The Impact of Carrying the Mental Load
When moms take on the mental load without support, it can lead to:
- Burnout and Exhaustion: Constantly keeping track of everything takes a toll on mental and physical health.
- Resentment in Relationships: Feeling like you have to manage everything can breed frustration and disconnection between partners. When one partner carries the mental load alone, it creates an imbalance that leads to resentment, making it feel like you are parenting alone even when you're not. Over time, this resentment can erode intimacy, communication, and overall relationship satisfaction.
- Anxiety and Overwhelm: The never-ending nature of the mental load can leave moms feeling like they can never truly rest.
- Loss of Personal Identity: When so much energy goes into managing the home and kids, it can be easy to lose sight of yourself outside of motherhood.
How to Start Lightening the Load
So, how do we shift this dynamic? The mental load isn’t just about having too much to do—it’s about responsibility and expectations. Here’s where to start:
1. Acknowledge That It Exists
Many moms feel guilty for struggling with the mental load because it’s “just part of being a mom.” But let’s be real—it’s a lot. Name it. Recognize it. Talk about it.
2. Communicate with Your Partner
If you have a partner, have an honest conversation about the mental load. Not just about chores, but about the constant thinking that goes into managing a home and family. Often, partners aren’t intentionally leaving it all on you—they just don’t realize how much you’re carrying.
3. Delegate Without Micromanaging
It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking, It’s faster if I just do it myself. But that mindset keeps the entire load on your shoulders. Let go of some of the control and allow others to take full responsibility for tasks.
4. Set Boundaries Around Your Time and Energy
You don’t have to say yes to every commitment, every activity, every request. Protecting your energy is essential.
5. Normalize Asking for Help
Whether it’s hiring outside help, leaning on family, or just saying, “I can’t do this all alone,” asking for support doesn’t make you a bad mom. It makes you a human mom.
The mental load isn’t just a personal problem—it’s a systemic one. But change starts with awareness. The more we talk about it, the more we challenge outdated norms, and the more we push for true partnership in parenting, the lighter the load becomes.
So to the moms out there carrying it all: You’re not alone, and you don’t have to do it all. Your worth isn’t measured by how much you manage behind the scenes.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed by the mental load and the resentment it creates, I’ve designed a program just for you. From Resentment to Resilience is a transformative program that helps moms reclaim their time, energy, and sense of self while improving their relationships. Click here to learn more.
