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When people picture abuse, they usually think of bruises or shouting. Something visible. Something loud. But the truth is, many forms of intimate partner violence (IPV) don’t leave marks that anyone else can see. It can live quietly inside the walls of a relationship that looks normal from the outside.
It’s the slow shift that happens when love turns into control, when care turns into criticism, when safety starts to feel unpredictable.
It’s the story of a person who begins to shrink, usually without them noticing it’s happening, because it feels safer than being seen.
How control begins
At first, control rarely looks like control. It can look like care, protection, or concern. It might be a partner who wants to spend all their time with you, who says they just want to “take care of you,” who questions the people in your life or the choices you make.
They may say things that sound loving: I just worry about you. I don’t like how they treat you. You don’t need to work so hard; I can take care of things.
But over time, that care starts to close in. You stop seeing your friends because it’s easier than fighting about it. You stop wearing certain clothes because you don’t want the comments. You stop sharing opinions because it always leads to tension.
Little by little, your world gets smaller.
That’s how many survivors describe it- not one big event, but a gradual erosion of self.
When love and fear coexist
One of the hardest things about IPV is that it doesn’t cancel out love. Many survivors still love their partner, or at least the version of them that shows up in between the harm. That version might apologize, cry, promise change, remind you of the person you fell in love with.
That mix of tenderness and fear keeps people stuck in a cycle that’s hard to see clearly from the inside.
When abuse is emotional or psychological, it’s even more confusing. There’s no clear moment to point to, no bruise to show, no language for what’s happening. Just an ongoing feeling that you’re losing yourself, piece by piece.
Why people stay
People stay for so many reasons- love, hope, fear, finances, children, culture, or safety.
Sometimes they stay because leaving feels more dangerous than staying. Sometimes they stay because they’ve been told that their partner’s behaviour is their fault. Sometimes they stay because the person hurting them has convinced them that no one else will care.
When you’ve spent years being told you’re too sensitive, too dramatic, too much, you start to believe it. That’s why it’s important to remember that leaving isn’t about having willpower as much as it is about access to safety, to support, and a sense of possibility.
What it does to the body and mind
Living in an abusive relationship changes your nervous system. Your body stays on alert. You read every expression, every silence, every sound. You learn to predict danger before it happens.
That constant vigilance takes a toll. It can show up as exhaustion, anxiety, depression, or physical symptoms that don’t make sense: stomach pain, tension, headaches, chronic fatigue.
And when you finally get out, your body doesn’t automatically feel safe again. Many survivors describe it as trying to rest with their foot still on the gas pedal.
Healing from IPV is as much physical as it is emotional. It’s helping your body learn that calm is safe again.
What support really looks like
Support isn’t about pushing someone to leave, even though this is what is most often offered. It’s about helping them feel less alone while they figure out what’s right for them. It’s about safety planning, therapy, trusted friends, and moments of honesty that remind them they still have a voice. It's about recognizing IPV and understanding their situation.
If you’re reading this and something feels familiar, that’s already a start.
You don’t have to label it to deserve help.
You don’t have to prove it’s “bad enough.”
If you’re afraid, confused, or unsure what to do next, therapy can help you explore your options and begin to rebuild a sense of safety. It can help you make sense of what’s happened to your nervous system and your identity- not through judgment or someone else's agenda, but with care.
At Bloom Psychotherapy, we work with individuals who are experiencing or recovering from intimate partner violence. Our therapists understand how complex these relationships are and how isolating they can feel. We’ll meet you where you are and move at your pace.
If you’re ready, you can book an appointment online or connect with our Client Coordinator today to be matched with someone who fits your needs.
If you’re supporting someone you care about:
If you suspect a friend or loved one is in an abusive relationship, start with curiosity, not confrontation.
Say, You don’t seem like yourself lately. Are you okay?
Believe them when they share even small pieces of their story.
Avoid blaming or demanding they leave before they’re ready.
What they need most is to know that someone will be there when they are ready.
When you start to heal
Healing after IPV is not linear. There’s grief, confusion, anger, and sometimes guilt. There’s also relief. There’s the strange calm that comes when you stop anticipating harm- and the sadness of realizing how much energy that took.
With time, the fear starts to fade. The space between who you were and who you’re becoming starts to fill with something steadier.
You start to trust your voice again.
You start to feel at home in your body again.
You start to believe that love shouldn’t hurt, confuse, or take pieces of you away.
If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
For confidential support in Canada, contact the Assaulted Women’s Helpline at 1-866-863-0511, available 24/7.
You are not alone.
You are not overreacting.
You deserve to be safe, and to stay safe.
