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The postpartum period, while filled with moments of joy and bonding with your new baby, can also bring unexpected emotional challenges. Many new parents experience a range of intense emotions, including frustration, anxiety, and resentment. In my work as a therapist specializing in perinatal mental health, I've encountered many new mothers who confide in me about their struggles with postpartum resentment.
These feelings, though common, are often shrouded in guilt and confusion. I've seen how this resentment can quietly erode the joy of new motherhood and strain otherwise positive and supportive relationships. It’s a topic that’s rarely discussed openly, as often, the feeling of resentment is unfamiliar and uncomfortable. Those who do identify it may feel protective of their feelings, their partner, and the risk of judgment, and therefore are often not willing to share their experience with supportive friends and family. This leads them to feel like they are the only person experiencing this.
Considering how often the topic of resentment comes up in therapy sessions, it always surprises me how little is written about it. Understanding what postpartum resentment feels like and finding constructive ways to manage it is crucial for navigating this complex emotional landscape.
What is Postpartum Resentment?
Postpartum resentment is a complex emotional response that can occur after the birth of a child. It often manifests as feelings of anger, bitterness, or frustration directed towards one’s partner, the baby, or even oneself. This resentment can stem from various sources, including These feelings can stem from the drastic lifestyle changes, lack of sleep, and the immense responsibilities of caring for a newborn; as well as unmet expectations, perceived lack of support, or the overwhelming responsibilities of parenthood. It can be triggered by the feeling that your partner has more freedom or autonomy than you do.
How Does Postpartum Resentment Feel?
1. Feeling Overburdened/Imbalance in Responsibilities: New mothers frequently feel the weight of being the primary caregiver. The relentless cycle of feeding, changing, and soothing the baby can lead to feelings of being overwhelmed and unappreciated. This can foster resentment, especially if you feel your partner isn’t sharing the load equally, or that you are underappreciated.
2. Loss of Identity: The transition into motherhood can be jarring. You may feel a loss of your pre-baby identity and struggle to reconcile your new role with your sense of self. This identity shift can lead to resentment, particularly if you perceive that your partner’s life remains relatively unchanged.
3. Unmet Expectations: Expectations play a significant role in postpartum resentment. If the reality of parenting doesn’t match preconceived notions, it can lead to frustration and bitterness. This is often exacerbated by societal pressures and the idealized portrayals of motherhood in the media, or on social media. Expectations on mothers are unreasonable and therefore impossible to meet, and this allows resentment to grow.
4. Emotional Isolation: Despite being constantly with your baby, you may feel incredibly isolated. The lack of adult interaction and the sense that others don’t understand what you’re going through can deepen feelings of resentment.
Constructive Ways to Manage Postpartum Resentment
It's important to address these emotions rather than letting them fester, as unresolved resentment can strain your relationship and affect your well-being. By adopting constructive strategies, you can navigate these feelings and foster a supportive and loving environment for your growing family. Here are some thoughtful approaches to managing postpartum resentment.
1. Open Communication: One of the most effective ways to manage resentment is through open and honest communication with your partner. It's crucial to express your feelings and frustrations without placing blame. Using “I” statements can help you articulate how you feel and what you need, making the conversation less accusatory and more about sharing your perspective. For instance, saying, "I feel overwhelmed when I don't get enough rest," is more constructive than saying, "You never help with the baby at night." This approach fosters understanding and empathy, paving the way for mutual support and solutions. Setting aside regular times to check in with each other can also help keep the lines of communication open and address issues before they escalate.
2. Seek Support: Don’t hesitate to seek help from friends, family, or a professional. Support groups for new mothers can provide a sense of community and shared understanding, helping you realize that you're not alone in your experiences. These groups can offer practical advice, emotional support, and a safe space to vent your feelings. Additionally, speaking with a therapist can provide personalized guidance and coping strategies tailored to your unique situation. Therapy offers a confidential environment to explore your emotions deeply and work through any underlying issues contributing to resentment. Even informal support, like having a trusted friend or family member to talk to, can significantly alleviate the sense of isolation and burden.
3. Prioritize Self-Care: It’s crucial to carve out time for yourself, even if it’s just a few minutes a day. Self-care involves engaging in activities that you enjoy and that help you relax and recharge, such as reading, taking a walk, practicing yoga, or enjoying a hobby. Remember, self-care is not selfish; it’s essential for your well-being and your ability to care for your baby. By taking care of yourself, you ensure that you have the physical and emotional energy needed to meet the demands of parenting. Setting boundaries and asking for help when needed can also ensure that you have the time and space for self-care activities. Regularly scheduling these moments into your day can help maintain your mental health and reduce feelings of burnout and resentment.
4. Set Realistic Expectations: Adjusting your expectations to align with reality is vital. Parenting is demanding, and it’s normal to feel overwhelmed at times. Accept that it's okay not to be perfect and that seeking help doesn’t mean you’re failing as a mother. Understanding that both you and your partner are adjusting to new roles and responsibilities can help you approach challenges with more compassion and patience. Recognize the small victories and progress you make each day, rather than focusing solely on unmet goals or ideals. This shift in perspective can reduce frustration and foster a more positive outlook. It's also helpful to educate yourself about the typical challenges new parents face, so you have a realistic understanding of what to expect.
5. Share Responsibilities: Encourage your partner to take on more responsibilities with the baby. This can help to balance the workload and reduce feelings of resentment. Clearly dividing tasks and creating a schedule that allows both partners to have some personal time and rest can make a significant difference. Sharing responsibilities doesn’t just lighten your load; it also helps your partner feel more involved and connected to the parenting process. Discussing and negotiating these responsibilities can prevent misunderstandings and ensure that both partners feel their contributions are valued and appreciated. Flexibility is key, as needs and circumstances can change, so regular check-ins about the division of labor are essential.
6. Practice Mindfulness and Self-Compassion: Mindfulness can help you stay grounded in the present moment and reduce feelings of stress and resentment. Practices such as deep breathing, meditation, or mindful walking can help you manage stress and maintain emotional balance. Self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a friend in a similar situation. Acknowledge your struggles without judgment and recognize that it’s okay to feel the way you do. Being gentle with yourself and accepting your feelings can reduce the pressure to be perfect and help you cope better with the challenges of parenting. Incorporating mindfulness and self-compassion into your daily routine can enhance your overall well-being and resilience.
7. Reconnecting with Your Partner: Take time to reconnect with your partner. This doesn’t have to be elaborate; even simple activities like watching a movie together, having a quiet dinner, or taking a walk can help. These moments of connection can strengthen your relationship, improve teamwork, and reduce feelings of resentment. Rebuilding intimacy and enjoying each other’s company can remind you of the bond you share beyond your roles as parents. Planning regular date nights or finding small ways to show appreciation and affection can go a long way in maintaining a healthy relationship. Effective communication and mutual support are crucial in navigating the challenges of new parenthood together.
Conclusion
Postpartum resentment is a common yet often unspoken challenge that many new mothers face. By acknowledging these feelings and taking proactive steps to manage them, you can navigate this complex emotional time. As a therapist, I’ve seen the power of support, self-care, and open communication in transforming these difficult emotions. Remember, it’s okay to seek help and prioritize your well-being. Reach out to a therapist today if you need support. Be kind to yourself and recognize that you are doing your best during this transformative period of your life. And hey, if all else fails, remember that it’s perfectly fine to have a good cry in the shower or to eat that extra slice of cake hidden in the back of the fridge. Parenting is tough, and a little indulgence can go a long way in keeping you sane. You are not alone, and there is strength in reaching out and finding the support you need.
Our workbook and journalling program, From Resentment to Resilience, will help you recognize postpartum resentment and work through the common feelings that come with it. Rediscover your resilience and take the time to invest back into yourself.
