Navigating Sex and Gender Disappointment: Insights from a Perinatal Therapist

Bringing a child into the world is a deeply personal and transformative experience. Expectant parents often dream about the life they'll share with their little one, imagining their child's personality, interests, and future adventures. However, sometimes these dreams are clouded by expectations about the baby's sex or gender. When reality doesn't align with these expectations, feelings of disappointment, confusion, and even grief can arise. As a perinatal therapist, I've had the privilege of supporting individuals and couples through the complex emotions surrounding sex and gender disappointment, and have worked with them to navigate this challenging terrain with grace and compassion.

Understanding Sex and Gender Disappointment:

Sex and gender disappointment occur when the sex of a baby does not match the expectations or desires of expectant parents. This disappointment can manifest in various ways, from mild feelings of sadness or frustration to more intense emotions such as grief, anger, or shame. While sex disappointment relates to the biological sex of the baby, gender disappointment pertains to the perceived gender identity or expression.

The reasons behind sex and gender disappointment are complex and multifaceted. Expectant parents may have internalized societal norms and expectations about gender roles, leading them to project specific aspirations or dreams onto their unborn child. Some parents feel that having a child of a specific sex will afford them certain experiences or relationship dynamics as a parent that they won’t otherwise have. Others worry that they won’t connect in the same way with a child of a certain sex, or that they won’t be able to repeat (or avoid) the relationship they had with one of their parents growing up.  Additionally, personal experiences, cultural influences, and family dynamics can all play a role in shaping these expectations.

The Psychological Impact of Sex and Gender Disappointment:

Sex and gender disappointment can have a profound psychological impact on expectant parents, affecting their emotional well-being and their relationships with their partners and their unborn child. Here are some common psychological responses:

• Grief and Loss: Expectant parents may experience feelings of grief and loss as they mourn the loss of the imagined child they had envisioned. This grief can be particularly intense for individuals who had strongly identified with a specific sex or gender role.
• Shame and Guilt: Feelings of shame and guilt are common among individuals experiencing sex and gender disappointment. They may feel ashamed of their own reactions or guilty for not being able to fully embrace the reality of their child's sex or gender.
• Identity Crisis: Sex and gender disappointment can trigger an identity crisis for expectant parents, challenging their sense of self and their beliefs about parenthood. They may question their ability to parent a child whose sex or gender differs from their expectations.
• Relationship Strain: Sex and gender disappointment can strain relationships between partners, as they may have differing reactions to the news and struggle to support each other through the emotional turmoil. Communication breakdowns, resentment, and conflict may arise as a result.

Navigating Sex and Gender Disappointment with Compassion and Support:

While sex and gender disappointment can feel overwhelming, it's important for expectant parents to know that they're not alone, they are not “bad” parents, and there is support available to help them navigate this challenging experience. Here are some strategies for coping with sex and gender disappointment:

Acknowledge and Validate Feelings: The first step in coping with sex and gender disappointment is to acknowledge and validate your feelings. Allow yourself to experience and express whatever emotions arise without judgment or self-criticism. You may also need to take some time to grieve- not your baby- but the dreams and expectations you have that feel particularly tied to having a baby of a specific sex.
Seek Support: Reach out to trusted friends, family members, or a therapist who can provide support and validation during this time. Talking about your feelings with someone you trust can help you process your emotions and gain perspective.

• Educate Yourself: Take the time to educate yourself about sex, gender, and the complexities of human identity. Understanding that sex and gender exist on a spectrum and are not binary can help challenge rigid expectations and promote acceptance and empathy.
• Focus on Connection: Focus on building a strong emotional connection with your unborn child, regardless of their sex or gender. Engage in activities that promote bonding, such as talking to your baby, playing music, or practising relaxation techniques.
• Practice Self-Care: Prioritize self-care during this challenging time, making time for activities that nourish your mind, body, and soul. Whether it's going for a walk, practising yoga, or indulging in a favourite hobby, taking care of yourself is essential for your well-being.
• Communicate with Your Partner: Open and honest communication with your partner is crucial for navigating sex and gender disappointment together. Share your feelings, listen to each other's perspectives, and work together to support each other through this emotional journey.

Sex and gender disappointment is a complex and often misunderstood phenomenon that can have a profound psychological impact on expectant parents. It’s important to remember that the disappointment being experienced has nothing to do with the baby, and does not mean that the parent won’t or doesn’t love that baby. The grief experience is about the dream and the expectations, and with validation and time, people do feel differently.  If you need support during this journey, reach out to one of our reproductive and perinatal specialists. Book now