.png)
For couples navigating fertility, sex and romance can feel like not only a chore, but an intense, all-consuming, full-time job. Many spent years trying to prevent pregnancy, only to discover that when they attempted to get pregnant, it wasn’t all that simple. As the months or even years go by, and efforts to achieve pregnancy are increased- the path turns into the emotional rollercoaster of infertility.
Infertility can be a real test of a couple’s relationship and can shake the foundation of a relationship. It can make a strong relationship stronger and crumble a troubled one to the core.
You may have heard (or be thinking): “at least it’s fun trying”... but this is almost never true when you’re on this journey. Before trying for a baby, you and your partner likely had sex because you were in the mood and felt like it. But now, depending on where you are on the journey, you are likely having sex on a schedule- whether you’re in the mood or not- or alternately, are completely abstaining. And the truth is- having sex on a schedule simply as a means to have a baby is not all that sexy!
You and your partner may be so focused on getting pregnant, navigating treatments and the next steps in the process, worrying about the financial pressures, and managing triggers and your emotions, that the rest of your relationship- including intimacy and sex- takes a backseat- causing immense strain on your relationship.
The emotional and physical toll of fertility treatments are enormous, and may cause disconnect, and it’s important to remember that sex isn’t the only way to connect. Relationships, like anything you want to grow and blossom, have to be cared for to thrive.
Here are three ways to connect with your partner during fertility treatments or when trying to conceive:
Change the Conversation:
While getting or staying pregnant is likely at the forefront of your mind all day every day, you likely had many other interesting things to talk about prior to your fertility journey. Fertility can feel all-consuming and can be the centre of all conversations. Create some intentional time to talk about other things.
Choose a topic that will move you away from the baby conversation and will allow you to engage with your partner in a way that feels interesting, exciting and connecting. There are many other aspects to your lives, and it’s important to continue to share these. Check in with one another, talk about work, talk about your extended family, your vacation dreams, your fantasies, what you would do if you won the lottery, the newest office gossip… It’s important to remember the topics and interests that drew you together in the first place, and to continue to nurture your conversations.
Show your Love and Affection in Other Ways:
While sex can be connecting, there are many other ways to increase intimacy. What is your partner’s love language? Make an effort to show small acts of affection- rub each other’s back as you walk by, leave a love note, cuddle on the couch, send an “I love you” text, plan a fun date night, make an effort to give and receive compliments. Then, remember to express appreciation for even the smallest gesture.
Separate Baby-Making Sex from Romantic Sex:
Save the scheduled sex for a specific location like an unoccupied guest room. Then, have another spot—like the bedroom—for the intimate sex, when you’re both feeling romantic and aroused and just want to enjoy it. Remember the ways you enjoyed sex early in your relationship and find ways to recreate those. Plan romantic encounters at non-fertile times, such as a bubble bath together or giving a massage. Understand that sexual intimacy does not have to mean intercourse and use your imagination to plan “just because” sex. This separation can be a reminder that there is a piece of your marriage that you will not allow to be taken over by the fertility process.
Navigating fertility can be emotionally all-consuming and can cause extra stress in your relationship. It’s important to continuously find ways to connect and to increase intimacy. If you’re struggling to connect, don’t wait for resentment to build, work with one of our couple's therapist to rebuild your connection. Book here
