“I Want Mommy!”: Understanding and Supporting Children's Parental Preference

As a perinatal therapist, I've witnessed the intricate dynamics of family relationships, including the delicate dance of a child’s parental preference. As toddlers and pre-schoolers begin to explore their world, they often exhibit behaviours that may puzzle or even concern parents. One common occurrence that many parents encounter is parental preference, where a child shows a strong preference for one parent over the other. While this behaviour can be challenging to navigate, understanding its underlying causes and implementing strategies to support your child can help foster a harmonious family dynamic.

Understanding Parental Preference:

Parental preference typically emerges during the toddler years, usually around 18 months to 3 years old. Toddlers are developing their sense of identity and independence during this stage, and part of this process involves forming attachments to primary caregivers. As a result, they may show a preference for the parent who provides them with a sense of security, comfort, and familiarity.
Several factors can contribute to parental preference in toddlers:

• Attachment: Toddlers may naturally gravitate towards the parent who spends more time caregiving or who they perceive as more nurturing and responsive to their needs.
• Temperament: A child's temperament can also play a role in parental preference. For example, a more shy or sensitive child may feel safer and more comfortable with one parent, while a more adventurous or outgoing child may prefer the other parent.
• Developmental Stage: Parental preference often coincides with key developmental milestones, such as separation anxiety or asserting independence. Toddlers may cling to one parent as a way to cope with feelings of insecurity or to test boundaries.

Coping with Parental Preference:

As a parent, experiencing parental preference from your child can stir up a mix of emotions, including hurt, frustration, and guilt. However, it's essential to remember that parental preference is a normal phase of development and not a reflection of your worth as a parent, your connection with your child, or of how your child views you. Here are some strategies for coping with parental preference:

• Avoid Comparison: Resist the urge to compare yourself to the preferred parent or to take your child's behaviour personally. Remember that parental preference is not a reflection of your parenting abilities but rather a temporary phase that many toddlers go through.
• Foster Positive Relationships: Instead of focusing on your child's preference, concentrate on nurturing your relationship with them. Spend quality one-on-one time together, engage in activities they enjoy, and create opportunities for bonding and connection.
• Encourage Inclusivity: Encourage your child to spend time with both parents and foster a sense of inclusivity within the family. Plan activities that involve both parents and emphasize the importance of spending time together as a family unit.

Supporting Your Child:

While parental preference is a natural part of development, it's essential to ensure that your child feels secure and loved by both parents. Here are some ways to support your child through this phase:

• Validate Their Feelings: Acknowledge and validate your child's feelings, even if they express a strong preference for one parent. Let them know that it's okay to have preferences and that both parents love them equally.
• Maintain Consistency: Establish consistent routines and boundaries to provide your child with a sense of stability and predictability. Consistency can help alleviate feelings of anxiety or insecurity and promote a sense of security for your child.
• Encourage Independence: Encourage your child to explore their independence and autonomy while still providing them with support and guidance. Offer opportunities for them to make choices and decisions independently, empowering them to develop confidence and self-esteem.

Although it can feel frustrating to parents, parental preference is a common phenomenon observed in toddlers and is often a temporary phase of development. By understanding the underlying causes, coping with your own emotions, and supporting your child through this phase, you can navigate parental preference with patience, empathy, and understanding. If you need support, in navigating your own feelings about parental preference, therapy can help. Book now